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Mike Pence looks like a vampire ngl. ApexPie 20 mar 2020. Guys it’s count dooku or Darth tyranus. Who the fuck is doolittle. Canadianpilot 20 mar 2020.

A rare discovery: the long-rumored Reporter’s Trumplate… ‘Donald Trump openly clashes with his _________ of __________, issuing some of his harshest criticism yet’

The House Intelligence Committee isn’t the only body that can release a good memo! Not usually known for in-depth reporting, Nothing Special is proud to announce a first-ever leaked-document exclusive. Through a high-ranking official, we have been able to obtain a copy of the reporter’s template long-rumored to exist for any article about Mr. Special himself. We present it, in its entirety, below:

TOP SECRET MEMO

TO: ALL STAFF

FROM: REDACTED! (but likely Ben Smith of BuzzFeed)

Here’s that template for your next piece! Note that when you see slashes, you must choose ONE of the words, not all (!), for your article.

Donald Trump openly clashes with his _______ of __________, issuing some of his harshest criticism yet

The gloves came off on ____day, when President Trump let forth a scathing rebuke of his __________ of _____________. _______________, chosen to succeed ______________ when he was forced to resign after running afoul of the President, never quite gelled with Mr. Trump, whose brash/intuitive/wandering/unscripted style contrasted with his more staid/calm/focused/rational approach.

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“This is the first time, in my memory at least, that a president has so openly feuded with his __________ of __________. Such a rift is not only unusual, but actually antithetical to what the whole President/_________ relationship is supposed to be about,” said Paul/Dorris _____________, who has written three books on the subject.

Credit: Andrew Harnick, Associated Press, via the Boston Globe. Of the Trump administration officials in this photo, only Vice President Mike Pence remains, and he is a twit.

The whole chain of events dates back several months, when the __________ Post/Times reported that Trump had privately dressed down ____________ at an Oval Office meeting, leading the latter to redden/burst into tears/bite his nails/sing “Gypsy”/wonder what the use of remaining alive was–this despite decades of an ostensibly competent business/military/political/sports/legal/medical/diplomatic career. That strained relationship was on rare public display when Trump publicly blasted _________’s statement as incomplete and making him feel undermined/confused/gassy.

Wookieepedia Count Dooku

“Sad that ____________ forgot to mention that I clearly beat crooked Hillary Clinton in the election, that the only Collusion was between Russia and the DNC/Democrats/staff who really barely worked for me,” Trump wrote yesterday in the early morning tweet, continuing,

“Remember the Dirty Dossier, Uranium, Emails!!!!, the Podesta Company, my ratings, I would have won more of popular vote if I hadn’t focused so much on the states that matter because I’m smart (Crooked H never even visited _______btw!) Covfefe, Little Marco, China. And glad [former Never-Trumper] finally seeing things clearly and now endorsing my candidacy. Although now I won and am actually President, and you don’t get to be President if your [sic] not a stable genius. We will drain the swamp in November!!! #FAKE NEWS. Mueller has nothing. And STAND for the national anthem Black people!!”

According to a senior White House official, Trump has repeatedly bristled at ____________’s high octane/goofy/laser-focused/punctual briefing style, which he has compared to a tortoise/schoolmarm/Star Wars character/Dipsie Doodle/FBI official. At one point, Trump actually stopped the meeting, wagged his index finger and said, “This guy’s a regular wordsmith!/hoot!/Negative Nancy/sexy guy!/Count Dooku!” That same official said he had urged ___________ on several occasions to try to use fewer words and simplify things for the president.

Lego Count Dooku

Speculation has already started about ______________’s replacement as _______________ of _____________, with a growing consensus pointing to _____________, whom Trump has been rumored to be warming to/taking walks with/cooing over/calling nightly/attending tickling parties with, and who has previously called for the dismantling of the position.